What To Do With the Last Spark of a Self
This ember I’ve been carrying —
what remains of a life where I was well-loved,
skin to skin, soul to soul —
is flickering out.
And honestly? I’m okay with that.
The past is losing its gravity.
But here I am, still sparking.
Spared.
Still very much in the story.
So what now? What to do with this last, curious, flickering firestarter of a self?
Lately, meteors have been streaking through my atmosphere —
flashes of the blinding obvious, lighting up a path I didn’t know I’d been waiting for.
Turns out, what I’ve been craving isn’t complicated:
A primary bond — someone I can love with my whole self, skin to skin.
A family of choice — people who hold space with curiosity, not control. Who dance, cartoon, and dare alongside me.
A village — of creators and weirdos and altruistic hedonists. People who do their work, stay in their own lane, and don’t pretend to know what they haven’t lived.
And so I’m stepping into places where this kind of kin tends to gather:
Open mics — yes, for real.
Brave people reading their poems, telling stories, playing music.
Raw. Unapologetic. Still becoming.
These are my people — beginners.
And I love me some beginners.
Circles — not all of them, but the right ones.
Where we “drop in,” not perform.
My favorites lately:
grief rituals, rewilding, wild women wellness, and winter swimming (yes, cold plunging in rivers like a she-wolf in recovery).
Retreats — still my jam, though these days I’m attending, not leading.
Letting others hold space isn’t easy after three decades as the facilitator, but as Gus used to say about anything worth learning (including giving good head):
“It’s good work if you can find it.”
Next up: Full of Yourself: Your Erotic Power — a retreat for women ready to root into their realness and own it.
And of course, my podcast is my portal.
I use it to invite people to drop in — not for content, but for connection.
I’m off to get a haircut and print new business cards.
I’ll hand them out to anyone who meets me with a cartoon glint, a side-eye sparkle, or a well-timed joke I can toss one right back at.
These are my people. And I love them fiercely.
Here’s what I’m thinking of printing on the card:
Front:
👁️🗨️ I collect stories from people who dare.
Podcast: Women (and Men) Who Dare
Sacred mischief. True conversation. No performance.
Wanna drop in?
➤ beginnersgrove.com
Bring your story. Come as you are.
Back:
🌿 Beginner’s Grove
For the Boldly Curious
(A Sanctuary for Playfulness, Practices, and Possibilities)
➤ beginnersgrove.com
Come wander. No hustle, no fixing — just honest exploration.
(Bring tea or irreverence. Both are welcome.)
From the desk of a tired flame-keeper, still glowing — from the flame thrower diane at beginnersgrove.com
